Doctor Movie! and Hail Ming Power Hour!

Yep, you saw the title.

You know what we're doing.

I don't know why we're doing it, but this is what we're doing.

Cocaine Crabs, y'all.

Right here on Doctor Movie.

Yah, yah, yah.

Wait a minute, I hear something.

Hey, everybody, what's happening?

Welcome back to another episode of Doctor Movie.

The show that's apparently gonna talk about Cocaine Crabs From Outer Space.

So I had to do it, I had to do it.

You know, the movies come in threes, right?

You gotta do the trilogy.

We started with Cocaine Bear, which is way more fun than it should have been.

Then we got Cocaine Shark, was pretty much anything but a Cocaine Shark.

And then we get Cocaine Crabs From Outer Space, from 1922, horror slash comedy.

Yeah, this thing is definitely playing on the comedy part, which kind of gives it a little life that, you know, I'm okay with.

So, yeah, gosh, I don't even know where to start.

It's got an 8.2 out of 10?

That can't be right.

Let's do a synopsis.

When a couple of intergalactic space crabs land on Earth, they encountered one thing they didn't expect, a duo of dumb frat boys force feeding them cocaine.

Yeah, okay, Director Chuck McGee.

Yeah, I don't know.

Has he done anything else?

Let's see.

Nope, looks like this is a claim to fame.

So, what the heck, let's see, budget, no budget.

That's the first time I've ever seen that.

I just can't get over this rating.

That just blows my mind.

So, anywho, might as well just talk about it.

Yeah, there's no cast or anybody to talk about.

This thing looks like a school project.

I mean, it's shot on video, low budget video.

And the movie consists of mostly just toy crabs.

Like you would buy at a shop that has little statues of animals.

That's pretty much the whole movie.

Weirdly, though, it's kind of entertaining.

Not a good movie, not good acting, but it knows what it is.

So it's actually a little bit fun.

But yeah, I mean, you got this whole opening scene where these space crabs are talking to each other, which is just clicking noises and subtitles, which goes on for quite a while.

You're like, all right, we're 10 minutes in, and we haven't seen a person yet, and it's still just clicking noises where crabs are talking to each other.

At that point, I was like, okay.

I don't know if I'm going to make it through this one.

But like I said, they land on Earth, and the frat boys start partying up.

He's like, hey, dude, these are your crabs?

I think, hey, why don't you give them some of your beer?

No, I got something better, so they give the crabs cocaine, and they just start going on a murder spree.

And, you know, they're cutting people's throats, they're cutting people's fingers off, flying through the air, they can open car doors.

You know, just about anything that you would think that a cocaine crab could do, it can do.

So, keep that in mind.

We've got a detective that's going around and finding all these bodies laying around, and he's convinced that, you know, it's the jaw scenario.

I'm convinced it's crabs.

Because, I don't know, but he's apparently had a past where he tried to claim something happened before, nobody believed him, and so they make fun of him all the time that, you know, he's not really good at his job.

Matter of fact, they call him Bobo, because he tried to blame his murders on some clown or something that happened in something before, I don't know, it didn't really matter.

But it's got some funny stuff in it, man.

There's a scene where the investigator, he's going against some other cops that are trying to figure out the same murders, right?

And he ends up getting to a lady that works at the pet store who's a, you know, all knowledgeable about crabs.

And he takes her in front of the other police officers and she starts describing, you know, the possibilities that an unusual crab can cause.

And he's taking it as fact, and he's doing a series of flip-offs to these other officers, which is, it's pretty hilarious.

Yeah, they also talk about, well, you know, crabs mate every so often and have a bunch of babies.

They go, are you kidding?

We can't have a bunch of this.

Oh, but it's not a big deal, because, you know, it takes them five to six months to have the babies.

Well, there's a scene where the original two space crabs go out and eat one night at a restaurant where they're drinking champagne and getting a little tipsy and do some cocaine, and they jump into a van, and the van starts rocking, and it shows time passing like 15 minutes, and then it's still rocking up to like three hours, 12 hours, it's still rocking.

Next thing you know, the mom, I guess, is just spitting out baby crabs, and there's like just the whole truckload of these crabs now, and they're going around and attacking everybody.

There's also the Cocaine King, who's the local dealer, and they do a bust on him, and he's like, all right, which one of you guys is the Cocaine King?

And they pan across the room, and there's a guy dressed, he's dressed like a king.

I mean, he's got the crown and the cape, the cowl, you know?

And he's like, and he looks at the other guy like, he is.

So I mean, it's got some funny little things in it that some of them are low brow, and you just kind of roll your eyes.

There's so many stupid crab jokes in this thing, man.

They decide they want to try to catch one of the crabs and see what the makeup of it is because they're from outer space.

And in order to catch it...

Oh, what was the magazine?

They threw out a magazine of...

Dang, I can't remember the joke now, but it was definitely a crab joke, like Crabster Magazine, like Hustler.

You know, it's just stupid stuff.

And they build this intricate thing to catch the crab, and it's like the game Mousetrap, right?

Where you roll the marble and it hits the dominoes, the dominoes fall, and a rolling ball comes.

I mean, they build this big elaborate thing, which is pretty hilarious.

And then when the net comes down to catch it, it's off the mark, so it doesn't catch it.

But they end up getting their hands on one and busting the crab open and realizing that they're ingesting cocaine.

Well, there's the problem, right?

And they get either the mom or the dad crab eventually, and it detoxes, and it starts making this sound, like a high-pitched squeal.

And when it does, all the babies that hear it will start exploding.

So they go to the local radio station, take the crab in there, and get it to make the sound over the airwaves, and it kills all the baby crabs everywhere.

I can't believe I'm telling this.

But yeah, that's kind of the plot of this movie.

And at the end, you get a big apology from the two original crabs, who now have mouths like Clark's Cargo.

I mean, if you remember the old cartoon where they had like real people's mouths, the crabs are all of a sudden have these real mouths on them.

They're like, we're sorry about the inconvenience, and we didn't mean to kill anybody, but you know, we came down to explore, and when we got the cocaine, it just kind of changed everything.

We lost our minds, and we want to apologize for killing everybody, and you know, it's just ridiculous.

But with that in mind, it's a, I mean, it's a parody.

It's very, very low budget.

The acting, like I said, is meh, but it's got a charm to it.

If I was going to a friend's house, they said, hey, man, let's watch this crazy thing.

I'd be like, yeah, cool.

That's all right.

I mean, it's just stupid enough.

It's definitely a party movie, because there's no substance to it whatsoever.

And you can pretty much jump in at any time, and you're just going to be like, okay, all right, that's crazy enough.

Yeah, that's really all I got on this one.

Cocaine Crabs From Outer Space, 1922, 1922, 2022.

It's an old movie, folks.

And, you know, they did the same poster scenario where it kind of matches all the other cocaine movies of the time.

And I would like to say that I regret seeing this one, but I don't.

I actually had a little bit of fun with this one.

The effects are terrible.

The crabs are being pulled along by strings.

But it's just goofy enough, kind of like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

I mean, it's that level of ridiculous, but you're still kind of entertained.

So there's nothing worse than a movie trying to be funny and it's not.

This one kind of pulls it off.

Like I said, some of the jokes are very lowbrow.

I mean, there's a ton of crab jokes in this movie.

Matter of fact, they even do a run of them to try to get it out of their system, right?

Because they know that, yeah, yeah, yeah, all these stupid jokes, right?

I mean, it's kind of witty at what it's doing.

It kind of reminds me of the movie Rubber, where it's a movie about nothing, really, about a killer tire going around killing people.

It's kind of the same premise as that.

But for some reason, just like Rubber, very entertaining.

So I don't know.

I can't even tell you where I found this.

It's not on Tubi.

So you may have to do a little digging to find it.

Let's see.

If you pull it up on, if you just do a Google search, it says you can watch it on YouTube.

So let's see.

There's five other things here.

Sling, Amazon Prime, YouTube TV, Google Play, Fandango.

So I mean, it's out there on some stuff.

So you may want to check it out.

Let's see.

Let's give it a rating.

I'm probably just going to give it about a 2.

I feel like I'm cheating it a little bit.

I don't think I will ever go back and revisit it by myself.

If I was going to show it to somebody, I might pull this one out and go, yeah, let's check this out.

This is so crazy.

So it does have that going for it.

But still, let's give it a 2.5.

And I cannot give it an 8.2 like these people did, but who knows?

Maybe I'm missing a little something here.

Anywho, if you want to check it out, it's out there.

It's not really a recommendation, but it may be your cup of tea.

Again, I felt like I was going to be short-changed and going to regret watching it, but ended up coming out of the other side going, okay, I get it.

I understand.

Not terrible.

All right, folks, that's it for this one.

If you've got an idea of something you want me to check out, just drop me a line.

Let me know if you like this show, if you're enjoying it.

Just, you know, hey, I'd be glad to hear from you.

Let me know what you like, what you don't like.

If I need to do something different, you're just out of luck there, because I'm not going to change anything as far as that.

But other than that, be glad to hear from you.

Thanks for checking it out.

And folks, y'all have a good one, and we will check you later.